For Cripes Sake 007
by soundofsnow
Summary: Q has to deal with 007's habit of always ruining cars or losing gadgets and what not here and there. As well some ridiculous nonsense that the young Quartermaster didn't think he'd ever witness or endure. Maybe some spoilers from the new Bond movie as well as previous ones. Craig Bond movieverse R&R
1. Chapter 1

Q was getting tired of 007's constant habit of bringing things back in one piece. More like one whole piece, even pieces. Or not at all for that matter. The Aston Martin for example was brought back in just one whole piece with dents and more wear and tear damage than necessary after the Skyfall incident. Just a shell of a once magnificent car. His jaw dropped when he saw it being brought in. Let's not forget to mention the new model that was meant for 009. Drowning before its time.

It really became a nuisance for the MI6 Quartermaster.

"Hello?" The bespeckled man asked while receiving a call from a blocked number.

"Good day to you Q."

"What is it now 007?"

"You know that gun you gave me. The one that could shoot poison darts?"

"Yes, what are you implying?"

"You see…"

"You lost it...didn't you?"

"I wouldn't say I lost it...It's just in the hands of a 5 year old." Q swore that he would've spit his tea at the comment if he was drinking it at the moment.

"And why is it in the hands of a child?"

"I dropped it while jumping over fences to dispose of someone."

"Right...please tell me that it's unloaded." He stated pinching the bridge of his nose.

"It's...BLOODY BOLLOCKS!" Q flinched at the yell and could hear shuffling on the other end.

"Shit….well as long as you don't have any red plumed darts…"

"My god he shot the cat."

"Fluffy wake up, it isn't nap time." Q could hear the voice of a small child.

"Please tell me the plume isn't red…." he mumbled.

"Sorry but Fluffy needs to go on a much needed mission." 007 stated whilst picking up the cat from the ground. "Would you mind giving me that gun back?"

"Why? What kind of mission?" The boy asked clutching the gun close.

"One that requires the Queen's services." The child looked up at Bond gobsmacked. He handed the gun back without hesitation.

"Will I ever see Fluffy again?" He asked after getting over the news.

"I'm sorry but Fluffy is needed to help save the world. You may never see him again."

"All right, just make sure he doesn't do anything dangerous." The child replied.

"Of course."

"Good bye fluffy." The boy stated. He then started walking up a trail back to his home.

"You didn't." Q mumbled.

"Oh I had to."

"You just lied to a child!"

"It was absolutely necessary. I'm on a mission and I lie when I must. This just happened to be one of those instances. Besides the cat's bloody dead anyway."

"Please remind me to never leave my cats in your care…."

"It's not my fault the child shot his own cat."

"Well it's your fault for dropping the gun. Speaking of the gun, do you have it?"

"Yes I have the gun in one hand and a very dead moggy in the other."

"For cripes sake 007." Q sighed exasperated.

"I never meant for it to happen. Now I must dispose of….Fluffy."

Not even a week had passed when 007 returned from his mission. Another car totalled beyond repair and another 300 or so thousand pounds gone to waste.

"How's the dart gun I gave you?"

"Smashing….or smashed. However you'd like to put it." The agent in question pulled out black pieces of what looked nothing like the gun he'd given him. There was a large chunk that looked like it was bitten by some unruly beast.

"How did you even…" He looked at the smug expression on 007's face and immediately perished the thought. "Never mind, I don't want to know what kind of christ forsaken shit you had to go through to cause this much of a mess." He scooped up the pieces and raised an eyebrow at the older man. "What, no darts?"

"I ran out of them while pursuing the enemy."

"Right…" Q replied rolling his eyes. "Now leave before you make a mess of something else. Come back when you need equipment for the next mission."

"Good day to you then Q." 007 smirked, walking away from the young man.

"Likewise 00." Yet Q couldn't help the nagging feeling that this was only the beginning of Bond's ridiculous antics.


	2. Chapter 2

"Q!" A woman called out, walking at a speedy pace towards his office.

"What is it?" He asked wondering why the woman was so urgent. He looked at the woman's ruffled and flushed appearance which just screamed Bond. "Don't tell me. It's 007...isn't it?"

Speak of the devil and he shall appear. Just as he said it the 00 agent made his presence known.

"Q, nice to see you again." He smirked.

"I'd highly appreciate it if you didn't harass my workers." Q stated as if he was chastising a child. The woman was awkwardly inching her way to the door. However, James was blocking the exit. "Oh for heaven's sake, let Margrett go." Q ordered. James did just that but before he did he gave the woman a smile, which caused her to turn red in the face. She scurried out the door once the chance arose.

"Terribly sorry. I was wondering if you'd like to catch a drink with me."

"Really? 007...it's only 8 in the morning."

"Well you know what they say. Better to drink now rather than later."

"No one says that."

"Well I just did."

"Please leave."

"Come on Q don't be like that."

"I have work to do. You aren't the only 00 agent there is you know. I'm not just your Quartermaster. I need to equip other agents with gadgets to help them in the field."

"Don't be such a git. You're far too smart to be one."

"Precisely and because I'm smart I know well enough not to drink in the early hours of the morning. And I much well prefer a cup of Earl Grey than scotch."

"Oh please. You and I both know that's a lie. For a scrawny one like yourself, I know for a fact you can hold your liquor." James retorted.

"007….are you drunk?"

"No and if I were you wouldn't know I was."

"Well you're still as cocky as ever."

"Thank you."

"It wasn't a compliment."

"I know I just wanted to get under your skin." he chuckled.

"How charming. But really I have work to do and you're currently preventing me from getting it done."

"Come and have a drink with me."

"No."

"Just one measly drink." James begged.

"Why are you so insistent in having a drink with me?" Q asked quirking an eyebrow at the agent.

"Because I know for a fact that you aren't busy and who doesn't want a drink this early in the morning?"

"I don't."

"Fine, don't have a drink with your poor old friend."

"Goodbye." Q stated typing a few things onto his laptop.

"Bloody fuck, don't make me drag your skinny arse to the pub."

"Please, like you could even try." Q scoffed.

"I'll bet you 400 pounds that I'll be able to get your sorry arse sitting on a bar stool in the next 5 minutes." He bet. "I'll even throw in a whole year's worth of kitty litter. I know how you just adore your cats."

"Don't underestimate me 007." Q warned.

"I didn't say I did." James smiled cockily and before Q knew it in 4.5 minutes his arse was sitting down on a bar stool a martini in one hand. Q was at a loss of words.

"What?...How...when did I?" He looked back and forth from the bar to James. He paused and sighed. "Bloody fuck it." he stated and took a drink.

A few hours and several drinks later, Q was shitfaced.

"Then he told me I couldn't bloody hack into MI6 with only a ratty old beat up computer. Well I proved that wanker wrong." He blabbed. "We bet a couple hundred pounds. I obviously won of course. But that bloody bloke thought it was all a lie. Psh, he must of shat his trousers when he saw a number of armed field agents make their way into our bloody dorm. Just be fucking glad I wasn't a black hat. Or else I undoubtedly believe that MI6 would be fucked right up the arse." He mused. His voice starting to get a bit more animated. James listened to every word the man said. He would be lying if he said he didn't feel a little tipsy himself.

"Have I ever told how easily I could hack into the CIA? It'd be child's play." Q swayed a bit in his seat. He propped his elbows on the bar table and continued to go on. "SO easy in fact I could do it with my eyes closed. 007...When the bloody fucking hell am I going to get my shit back?" He asked drunkenly. "I mean I work my arse off making all of you bloody agents these widgets and what not. Just to have them brought back in one whole piece." He eyed James accusingly at that bit. "Pieces or not at all."

"Don't get your knickers in a twist Q." James responded.

"I'm tiread of yoiur bloody fucking excusesss….shit man I'm going down…." he mumbled tumbling to the ground with a light thud. "This floor is surprisingly sanitary….." he stated before sleeping on the ground. Thank heavens that the bar wasn't crowded. Besides if anyone were to hear their conversation they'd think the poor boy was just drunk off his arse spouting nonsense that couldn't possibly be real.

"Just put it on my tab, Felix." He informed the bartender. He nodded at James and went about his own business. Carrying Q back to HQ wasn't that difficult. The man weighed absolutely nothing compared to what James had to lift in his time.

Dropping the genius back in his office chair, James left leaving a note on the table.

Q finally woke up to a splitting headache.

"What the hell happened?" he stated clutching his cranium. After getting reoriented, Q spotted the sticky note on his table.

Had a smashing good time. Drinking is good at anytime of day - 007

"For cripes sake…." He mumbled trying to soothe his aching head.


	3. Chapter 3

It was quiet. Much too quiet for Q's liking. He did however get a few calls from several 00 agents who needed some assisting. But the agent that Q was suspecting to hear from by now made no sign of appearing today. He half wondered if Bond was out preoccupied with another woman. Or if he did something wrong that had him bombarded with a shower of bullets. He sighed sipping his tea. And that's when he noticed that something was off about his cup. He was so engrossed with work that he didn't have the chance to notice that his mug, his beloved Scrabble mug, was replaced with a different one. It was still a _Q_ mug. But the design was off. The font was different. It was unsettling to say the least. He recognized it as the American version. He didn't have anything against it but good god did it look slightly unappealing. Q stared at the mug with a bit of distaste. Albeit he continued to drink from the cup. Q didn't want perfectly good tea go to waste. He wasn't that upset with the change, however he really wanted his regular old cup back.

Typing a few things into his computer Q looked up the security footage and wasn't surprised in the slightest to see Bond sauntering in and taking his cup from off his desk while he was away. He left the room only to come back with a freshly made cup tea placed strategically in the place of the former. Smiling to himself the agent whistled while he made his way out of the room.

"Bastard…." Q mumbled under his breath. Looking back at the cup his eyes bugged out. There sitting on his desk was his cup. His regular old Scrabble mug.

"When did he have the bloody time to do this?" Skipping through the footage to just a few moments ago he saw Bond come in through the ceiling, cat burglar style, switching the cups. Almost literally right under his nose. "I really must up security…" he muttered to himself.

"I'd doubt that would keep me away." Q flinched clutching his fast beating heart.

"Are you trying to give me a heart attack!?"

"I didn't think I'd scare you." Bond mused.

"Well you did. Why go through the trouble to switch my cup?"

"I was bored. And it was good practice."

"You were bored?" He stated raising an eyebrow.

"Yes."

"Have I told you that I really, really hate you?"

"Yes, this would be the second time." He replied cockily.

"Will you please leave?" He begged exasperated at the other.

"You can't get rid of me even if you tried."

"Oh that makes me feel so much better." His response dripping with sarcasm.

Bond smirked. "Well if it makes you feel any better I'll leave you to your work."

"Finally." He breathed out. Adjusting his glasses Q went back to work. Bond leaving without another word.


	4. Chapter 4

"Q, I need your help." Bond stated over the his earpiece.

"What is it?"

"I need you to make a lightsaber."

"What?" Q deadpanned.

"A lightsaber. You know that American film franchise Star Wars? Those weapons that Jedi masters use."

"Of course I do. I'm not daft. But why do you want me to make you a lightsaber?"

"I think it'd be fun to have one."

"You know that's impossible right?"

"I know it is, but for you I bet it'd be quite the challenge."

"I can't make a working lightsaber 007." He stated exasperatedly.

"I know you can."

"Well what do I get out of it then? If I did in fact construct one for you."

"How about an all expense paid trip to the Bahamas?"

"Tempting, but I dread flying."

"Then how were you able to get all the way to Austria and back when I needed you?"

"It helps when you're knocked out for the entirety of the flight."

"I see, then how about a week off? I do know how much you're dying to go home to spend more time with your cats."

"But what if something goes wrong and I'm needed in Q-Branch?"

"Oh, poppycock, I bet your workers are perfectly capable of handling things while you're away. What do you say?"

"I'm going to regret this...aren't I? Fine throw in a tin of earl grey and you have yourself a deal." Q could practically see the grin forming on Bonds face.

"Thank you. Now if you'll excuse me I have no time for chit chat." Bond hung up but before that Q could hear a few distant shouts in what he guessed was Cantonese. Followed by several gun shots.

"Oh joy…" he mumbled. He started working on the mechanics before tinkering in his workshop.

A week had gone by and Q was finished. He tried his darn well best to construct it.

Bond arrived right on time to retrieve the Quartermaster's latest work.

"So how's it coming along?"

"I wouldn't call it a lightsaber….." he trailed off.

"Show me."

"Alright." Q produced a simple black and silver lightsaber hilt to the agent. "Now if you press this button it will activate the device." Taking the hilt from Q Bond pressed the button. There was a whoosh noise accompanied by a fluorescent blue glow. Swinging it around a couple of times he heard the familiar noise that came with a lightsaber.

"I think you did a top notch job making this."

"Thank you. I must warn you though, it can't really cut through anything."

"Really?"

"Yes, but it can shock you a bit. Like rubbing your sock covered feet on a carpet and poking someone. It's not very deadly. Unless you plan on using it as a blunt instrument." Bond smirked and tapped Q with the lightsaber. He flinched as he felt a small shock. "Haha very funny." Bond did it again. "Will you quit it?"

"No." He smirked. Q sighed and held out his right hand. Another lightsaber hilt came flying into it. "Nice trick, how did you do that?"

"Super magnets honed into the material of the hilt. My watch acts as the magnet." He explained, activating his own lightsaber. This one glowing a bright green colour. "Also if you drop it on the ground it automatically shuts off."

"Very clever. You must give me one."

"Already did. A few days ago when you were being briefed for your next mission. Shall we?"

"I thought you'd never ask." Bond smirked.

M made his way to Q's workshop only to find the two of them fighting with the iconic Star Wars weapon. They looked like they were having fun. But he couldn't help but think about how nerdy they looked. He never knew Bond was into that kind of stuff.

"Oh that was a dirty trick 007. I should've made you a red lightsaber."

"Don't be like that Q, I haven't even betrayed my country or MI6….yet."

"I don't know if you're joking or if you're really being serious right now." He stated ducking Bond's swing.

"I'm sorry to interrupt but I have a few things regarding an organization bent on destroying the moon. A bunch of buggers if you ask me." The two looked very comical and M tried not to laugh as they looked up at the man. Bond was in the middle of rolling to the side while Q looked like he was about to go in for the " _killing_ " blow.

"M, you best not mention this to anyone." Bond demanded coolly still lying mid roll on the ground.

"I have much better things to do than gossip about your nerdy hobbies. And Q."

"Sir?"

"Make me one as well. I prefer white but orange is fine as well."

"Yes sir." Q responded. M left the workshop leaving the two alone. "Why do I get the feeling that I'm going to be making more lightsabers?"

"Because you did a wonderful job making them." Bond stated picking himself from off the ground.

"So...where's my week off and my tea?"

"In your office and you get off starting next week."

"Lovely. Now I do believe I was in the middle of defeating you."

"In your dreams Q." He stated getting into a fighting stance.

"Prepare to meet your maker 007." They then proceeded to fight with it ending 0-1. Q was a little gloomy. But Bond had more experience in the field, in fighting. So he just shrugged it off. Bond left Q after receiving another another Walther PPK coded with his finger prints.

"Do bring this one back instead of leaving it inside the stomach of a komodo lizard. Because I feel like you're not going to be bringing it back…."

"Who knows." Bond mused.

"Now get out of my workshop."

"Will do." Leaving the Quartermaster alone he took his gun and lightsaber with him.

Surprisingly no one other than M and Bond had asked for one. Fine by him, he didn't feel like mass producing them to anyone who asked.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N:** Enjoy and don't forget to review.

* * *

"Whoever rigged my laptop to play animal noises every time I hit the keys will be sorry..." Q threatened, hearing several collective gulps from his workers. "Now whoever did this please turn yourself in." No one dared to move. Q sighed. He knew this wasn't going to be easy. "Carry on. But be aware...I will find you. And when I do there will be hell to pay."

It took Q a few minutes to set his keyboard back to the way it was. However not too long after that his keys started to make obnoxious belching noises.

"Oh for cripes sake...who could be responsible for this." If this wasn't bad enough when he tried to check the cameras for any activity surrounding his laptop nothing showed up. The same continuous frame kept on playing well into the time when he was still in his office. Fixing the cameras he sighed.

Resetting his keyboard again he thought for sure he had everything fixed. Up until the moment when his typing started to play a crude rendition of In the Hall of the Mountain King. And by crude, it sounded like a symphony of dying geese coupled with the sound of someone passing wind.

Q was annoyed beyond belief. He finally fixed it after hearing a blender, dogs barking, the splattering of what he guessed was paint on the ground, the familiar sound of an emergency broadcast, moaning. And his " _favorite",_ the sound of a dial-up modem.

"I swear whoever did this going to be cursed with horrible internet service and red lights for the rest of their natural lives." He mumbled to himself.

"Oh, come now Q, it wasn't that bad." Bond stated walking into his office.

"I should've known." Q stated, holding back the urge to face-palm. "How in the world were you able to do this?"

"I have my ways." He smirked.

"You know what, I really don't give a bloody fuck." Although he did, Bond didn't need to know that.

"That's good to hear. Now what's this about horrible internet service and red lights for the rest of my natural life?" He asked raising an eyebrow at the young Quartermaster.

"Nevermind, just don't mess with my laptop. It's been with me through hell and back."

"I can see that." Bond stated eyeing the duct taped corner.

"Now if you'll excuse me, I have some work to do. Since you wasted my time by botching up my keyboard."

"I just got here."

"Yes and it's time for you to leave."

"I think I'll stay here." Bond replied, pulling out a chair and plopping down in it. Making himself right at home. Q couldn't help but be reminded of his two cats, Einstein and Venus. They did what they wanted and got away with most of it. At least Bond wasn't curled up on his desk covering his keyboard. Einstein did like to do that sometimes if not most of the time while he was at home.

"Fine leave when you must." He stated typing on his keyboard. Not a single noise besides the usual tapping of his keyboard filling the room. Q was half expecting Bond to have the last word but was surprised when he heard nothing. Looking up from his computer screen he didn't see Bond anywhere. "Shit…" Q groaned.

"What's the matter?" Bond asked, appearing obscenely close to the side of Q's head. The Quartermaster almost jumped out of his chair.

"What are you 007? A ninja? For cripes sake I'm too young to be having a heart attack."

"My bad Q. I'll be seeing you later then?"

"Right…" Bond walked out of Q's office and the genius groaned exasperated at the agent's antics.

Preview of next chapter…

"I can't believe you lost it…." Q deadpanned.

"It wasn't my fault." Bond argued.

"I trusted you to use it with care...and you lose it."

"Q don't be like that. It was a simple mistake."

"You've lost the universal key. The one key that can open virtually any lock imaginable….you lost it….in Japan...in the headquarters of an infamous Yakuza leader. Who happens to be the greediest most ruthless ringleader in what could be the whole of Japan…" Q droned on. "WHAT THE EVER BLOODY FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?" Q yelled, shaking the agent by the shoulders.

"Relax it's not like he found it." Just then a worker was running at full speed towards the two.

"Yama...broke into…" he panted. "Rival member's...home...undetected…" He wheezed. Q glared at Bond.


End file.
